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‘Short Tales of Long Snouts’
4 ridiculous short tales from a dot in the universe
By John Lamb
Laugh a lot and gasp a bit! But is it truth or untruth? Is truth true? Does existence depend on truth? More immediately poignant, does the E.U. break up in the upcoming financial debacle (2017-2022), changing our lives beyond recognition – and can ordinary folk avoid a financial wipe-out?
Copyright © 2014 John Lamb
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.
The right of John Lamb to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
First published in the United Kingdom in 2014 by Subeam Publications
Not the Introduction
There’s no introduction to this little book. It’s upside down and back to front. The glossary – glossed over – is at the beginning. Read it first. A sort of introduction comes at the close. Don’t read the end first otherwise you’ll miss out on the satire – about piggies.. poggies.. and weird little ‘eumans .. who muck things up with their weird little minds.
No clever author could have written this book because it takes imagination to invent something like, say, Alice in Wonderland. There’s no imagination involved in this book whatsoever. It’s all based on a load of shi.. ..’manese proverbs … and truth.
Any similarity between characters or regimes of our planet is an accident of the oddball ‘euman mind and is totally coincidental!!
Poggy: In modern slang, a ‘person’- derives from original piggy/monkey inhabitants on Earth; thought to be more intelligent than doggies and moggies
Master-Poggy: (MP for short) representative of the poggies in pureliament (a fair voting arena)
Hoggy: A Master-Poggy – renamed Hoggy after MP’s allowed themselves: Salary, multitudinous expenses including rent and relatives’ house alterations, entertainment, debauchery within the law (or outside it if not revealed) and ducking & diving generally i.e. unlikely to be prosecuted if declaring, “But I honestly thought I was doing the right thing” or could pinpoint a legal wording to cast reasonable doubt on what’s usually considered to be fraud or theft
Poorliament: Pureliament renamed after Hoggies predominate
Great Britbin: letter change here due to becoming unrecognisable – islands in North Curerope
Curerope: A dissimulate continent, east of The Pond, designed to cure everything, mostly by alchemy. Name derives from curing with a rope that eventually strangles the user
Herrman: Nationality with greater than average takeoverzeevorld mentality
ARmerica: A continent West of ‘The Pond’ – derives from ‘Arm-Eric-and his mates to protect/elevate yanklehoggies’
Gandering: Incredible new talk by hoggies, ridiculously believed by poggies. Not exactly lying but would have been treated so centuries ago. As in the goose world, a lot of noise sees off most interlopers
Farcifying: Ultra-creative accounting
Deprivative: Investment token nobody understands; mostly deprives investors of original wealth
Schpinner: Doctor of gandering, enabling elephants to look like mice and vice-versa
Archbiggops & Crime-ministers: Use your imagination, as with other obvious truer-speak words
Ridiculous Short Tales number 1. ‘The Very Big, Big Picture’
Shimanese 8 word proverb 085 – “Planets come, planets go; nothing gained, much show”
Once upon a time there was a big bang. Millions of stuff cascaded everywhere.
For a very short time, during the existence of the stuff, poggies grew out of the predominant gases on one small ball of rock (a planet). They came out of the liquid sea. Poggies made funny noises to communicate with each other. They eventually called the noises ‘words’ and named the planet ‘Earth’, a description based on the predominant mineral dust on its surface.
Seemingly due to the nature of poggies, they argued endlessly with each other about absolutely everything, particularly about why they were there and how things should be organised. Whether they tried splitting into small groups or large groups nothing was resolved for very long. Until the very end of poggy life on the planet, they never came up with a true purpose for their existence either. To save the bother of finding out, they invented their own stories, which they also argued about non-stop.
Eventually a nearby big shiny planet, that had unwittingly supported Earth, due to its immense heat, ate them up – not intentionally but due to the randomness of how planets naturally evolve. The whole caboosh of remaining planets continued rolling around chaotically until they eventually disappeared.
Poggies used just 1% of their brains. Had they used a larger portion, they might have got to know that the whole of everything always existed in their whole consciousness, without beginning and without end. This was actually the one and only fact they needed to be conscious about, in order to solve the unanswered questions about their lives. Whole consciousness is very easy to understand and is accessible by everyone. But no, they mostly never cottoned on. They made up their prowess in their heads because they’d convinced themselves, using never ending day-dreaming, ‘the answer lies in the soil’. Hence it was impossible for them ever to be satisfied.
Shihmanese 8 word proverb 1692 –“Hoggy gesticulates wildly, smiling; much awry beneath brow.”
The Poggies in Great Britbin got themselves on reasonable terms with each other from time to time. Nearing the second millennium, after some arbitrary date, they’d come through two massive wars, losing millions of their numbers, after which they were exhausted. Thus they had compassion for each other which overrode feelings of greed and avarice – for a few years! Over many decades, bright minded volunteer poggies eventually produced a sensible mandate in order to run their country in a simple democratic manner. On reflection, a team of average 15 year olds could have done it but they were all busy in school. The leading team were called Master-Poggies. They decided and organised, as any sane poggy would, the basics for safe and convivial living, as follows:
- An efficient health service
- An effective education system
- A fair system of law and order, including a prison service (if people went to prison, they would lose their rights during the sentence – foreign criminals always deported on release – obviously!).
The rest of it was common sense, viz:
Laws were created by fair voting in pureliament and, by an ancient bill of rights, there was a cast iron assurance that Britbins would always rule themselves without interference from overseas.
Free speech was allowed but no group living in Britbin would be able to create their own laws – a crime in itself, naturally.
Taxes would be reasonable and at no time, other than wartime & repatriation, would the nation spend more than it was collecting in revenue or could quickly repay.
Everyone between 16 and 60 worked. A benefits system would provide a fraction of an average income to those who were genuinely incapacitated. Nobody, of course, would be allowed to refuse work and collect benefits.
Naturally, the Master-poggies were expected to be upstanding and moral. If any of them erred they would be removed from pureliament – most probably resign – and normal punishment applicable to poggies would ensue if appropriate.
All this infrastructure could be afforded through the collection of tax. It only needed 4,000 civil servants to run the show, including controlling Great Britbin’s considerable overseas interests and territories.
The system worked well – until the Master-Poggies ceased being volunteers and decided to pay themselves salaries and ancillary payments for all manner of things. Almost instantly, they renamed themselves ‘Hoggies’ and the voting house became known as Poorliament.
Hoggies slid into the modus operandi that it was less important to abide by customs built up over centuries than to concentrate on their own income and potential. They thought that Britbin’s respect around the world entitled them to borrow money ad infinitum and expand the economy limitlessly. Consequently, and very quickly, the system they’d established went unbelievably awry – as we’ll see. The idle were allowed to stay at home and be paid (often the same, sometimes more than a working person) and people were imported to do idle folks’ work. The education service, law & order and health provision became indescribably battered.
Hoggies became worried that their lifestyle could be threatened for being so ineffective. So, they secretly met hoggies from overseas and came up with the idea of ‘one-Earth-order’ on the basis that if there was only one boss nobody would challenge Authority, even if Authority became useless. They got their chief hoggy, Mr Teeth, to speak in Poorliament, thus:
“I don’t want you to ever suffer if Hoggies neglect their duties so I want us to join the Common Racket. It’s free, to an extent. It’s not political at all and it’s a jolly good idea that will definitely work out for the good. The Racket means you’ll always be safe in your beds and you won’t have to worry about buying and selling things abroad – we’ll do that for you. A new flock of neighbourly folk from overseas might arrive in Great Britbin but you can go to their homelands if you wish – all fair and everyone looked after; your lives enriched enormously.
“The Herrmans will set up a central office in Curerope – in a neutral spot, so that poggies don’t suspect they’re up to anything sinister. To keep things simple, decisions will be made by a small unelected panel of Cuero-hoggies and hopefully ratified by someone down the line. None of the folk involved will be accountable for anything, to make life easy for everyone. What could be better?
“Here in poorliament, we’ll get paid in future for simply saying ‘aye’ to new laws (called regulations) which will arrive by post. No problems whatsoever. You’d be stupid to turn this down.
“I can absolutely promise you one thing – and this is an inexorable guarantee – you simply won’t recognise this country in 50 years’ time. Yes, there will be 10 billion each year (currency to be decided) appearing to go into an overseas pot but it’s a fantastic system of government, providing automatic employment for lots more hoggies and we’ll be getting half of it back to spend on projects we would otherwise have had to finance ourselves. Wonderful!”
This was gandering at its best. A smokescreen nobody could see through. Poggies simply didn’t know what the f**k was going on but they mused no Hoggy could possibly want to give Great Britbin away; that couldn’t be the motive. It all sounded promising from a great leader who always grinned so widely.
Opposition did crop up. A Hoggy called Trowell made a case against mixed populations and a few others tried to show the Racket was a power grab. They proposed Mr Teeth wanted to turn Britbin into a Devil’s island where ne’re-do-wells would congregate, eventually forcing good poggies to leave – and guards around the coast would keep the bad b******s from getting out. The opposition was seen as drama and, although the poggies couldn’t totally grasp the logic of the Racket, more gandering from Teeth and his gums (chums) wore down the opposition. Preposterously, the whole crazy concept was voted through.
Mr Teeth had made one of the rare promises ever kept by a hoggy. Britbin was going to become unrecognisable in just 50 years. The only thing that wouldn’t change at all was the amount of trade Britbin did with Curerope. The promise of secure and expanded trade was a smokescreen and mirrors triumph indeed!
Hoggies didn’t have so much to do after joining the Common Racket so they concentrated on topping up their expenses to the hilt – every damned penny they could think of: holidays disguised as cultural trips, night clubs, booze and porn films, afternoon trysts, taxi rides and plane trips to almost everywhere … the list was endless. They accepted stashes of cash for their political means, wafting perks for themselves stealthily into legal schemes, from anyone who was prepared to ‘lobby’ them (an activity considered lawful but was somehow tied up with providing perks).
A new money loop, based on ‘extended credit’, was created that would pay for everything and it did for years. The elderly and those who had always worked hard paid their taxes tax and hoggies borrowed many times more, so that billions could go to the idle and to foreigners who arrived with large families wanting to gate-crash the new system of free hand outs. Incongruously, the hoggies said this was all absolutely wonderful.
But the number of civil servants needed to pass all the paper around, within the new regulatory system, grew to more than 400,000! Yes, that’s not double or treble the previous number needed when Great Britbin ran an empire, it’s one hundred times as many.
Implausible, incogitable, incomprehensible, mind-bogglingly ridiculous.
Ridiculous Short Tales number 3. ‘The Money-Go-Round – Whoops, Lost It All!’
Shimanese 8 word proverb 10101 – “Believe, believe, arise, believe; Thus spake Archbiggops, Crime-ministers
The hoggies let loose, out of the blue, on the basis that the theme ‘get more; be happier’ was the cardinal vote catching principle. Never did they attempt to hide what became frenzied behaviour on their part, their illogical governing style or their misdemeanours. They honed their gandering skills immeasurably enabling them to lie through their back teeth and be believed. It wasn’t really vindictive. They were forced into a frenzy because they’d landed themselves in such a mess. There was no way back.
To divert poggies’ attention away from undisputable disorganisation and wastefulness, hoggies removed all spending restrictions, persuading the banks to dispense money to everyone who would borrow it, regardless of their ability to pay. Poggies went on a spending spree such that, overnight, they ignored historic real values. More stuff was what they’d always wanted.
Perspicuously, everyone got into so much debt the spending eventually ground to a halt. In response hoggies shouted, “Don’t stop, there’s plenty more and you can always pile your debt up until inflation increases again, which will make your debts look like a grain of sand.” The hoggies knew perfectly well, of course, that it’s impossible to keep spending what you haven’t got, indefinitely. The balloon will only blow up so far – and it went POP.
Inescapably, every country in the Cureropean Racket became insolvent. The only two in the area who flourished were those who refused to join The Racket: Moreway and Swartzerland.
Economic mayhem had broken out as a result of 6 decades of compounding debt instead of repaying it. Nothing like it had ever been witnessed before – oh, except at the time the Nomans had tried this hoggy style of government, around A.D. 300 – and occasionally in underdeveloped nations when they print money instead of earning it.
Instead of declaring bankruptcy, countries and companies farcified their balance sheets by loaning money to each other in unbelievable quantities, on the new virtual money loop. Banks set up gambling departments to create more and more debt. The debt, for some time, had been referred to as ‘credit’ and ‘finance’ as if it were creditable and financially viable. It couldn’t all be accounted for because deprivatives, the word used to disguise gambling tokens, couldn’t be exactly defined or understood by either the vendors’ executives or the investors.
When the gambling tokens became worthless, it made no difference. They just created money on their computers, which increased the debt pile in multiples so it became entirely unpayable. Some countries built a debt of 10 times their annual turnover – that’s not their annual receipts, it’s their total output! There was not even enough revenue to facilitate interest payments on the ever expanding debt without borrowing more to pay it. The point of no return passed by almost without recognition because poggies got used to the idea that hoggies, having manipulated economic principles so magically, would always find a way out.
Between 2017 and 2022, on Earth’s calendar system, the inescapable outcome ensued. In the face of debt demands being unpayable all-round, banks went bust, people went bust and governments went bust. Bailouts and money printing had staved off the timing of final collapse but expanded overall debt beyond recognition. Deflation set in, devaluing even the most expensive commodities and price-tags beyond recognition. Hoggies continued gandering through it all and told poggies it was for their own good that they planned to debase currencies, rob poggies’ bank accounts, renege on the gargantuan pile of debt, take over poggies’ pension pots and decimate the welfare and health services. The education and justice agencies, having been starved of sufficient resources, became farcical.
Hoggies hollered at poggies, “borrow, borrow, borrow – we’ll lend you more”, blaming the financial debacle on poggies’ lack of confidence. But poggies simply couldn’t pay what they already owed, despite schemes hoggies invented to loan poggies amounts they’d originally said was irresponsible.
Gandering about eternal riches for all came to its fated end. The wonderful system that had taken centuries to establish simply fell apart. Everyone knew hoggies had been greedy and incapable, having rejected fundamental laws of economics, but hoggies forever held themselves blameless, except for accusing previously serving and deceased hoggies. They swore they’d not distinguished the existence of a trough, let alone stuck their snouts in it.
The financial explosion sent tremors around the world until 2030. It took another 50 years to clean everything up and get back to ‘normal’. One-Earth-order foiled again. If you’d never previously heard about the inconceivable aspirations of power freaks, you’d be entitled to declare … “ridiculous!”
If you had been informed of the aforesaid aspirations of power freaks, you’d have probably guessed the truth. There had to be a truth somewhere, didn’t there, a logic behind the mayhem that seemingly any sensible group of schoolchildren could have prevented?
The truth, behind the scenes, went right back to the war years (1940s). Apparently, ARm-eric-a housed a most potent one-Earth hierarchy, known as the Buildacontroltower committee, who had riches untold and special influence over leaders around the Earth. These power-puppeteers had seized upon a rare opportunity – to send yanklepoggies to reinstate Britbin’s home security on the condition that a Curerope-for-all would be created after the war that would provide access to strongholds adjacent to the lands of ARm-eric-a’s enemies.
True to form, the poggies custom of disagreeing with other poggies prevailed at all times. Power lust was the bedrock of this eternal trait. In the times described above it was the ARm-eric-ans who didn’t like the Brushians and vice-versa. Never mind who the Brushians are. It’s just another name for another hoggy-led group who want supreme power. The whole power puzzle could never be resolved while poggies restricted their consciousness so prohibitively. Around in circles they go; around in circles they’ll stay – until they face the truth of their existence, which might be never.
There. Mr Teeth and all his successors hadn’t been so stupid after all! Their hands were tied well and truly tied behind their backs all the time. Regardless of any personal altruism, Curerope was a done deal they couldn’t hope to oppose. Thus, they were more or less forced to gander up the massive smokescreen of Common Racket schpin while being fed a diet of riches from the trough. No change there then; just another loathsome outcome; not so ridiculous.
End of extract
©John Lamb 2014 – All copyrights reserved by John Lamb